steel magnolia

Words to live by - Just Dance.

2007-04-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

I used to buy my faith in worship,
But then my chance to get to heaven slipped.
I used to worry about the future
But then I throw my caution into the wind.
I had no reason to be care free
No no no, until I took a trip to the other side of town
Yeah yeah yeah, you know I heard that boogie rhythm
Hey- I had no choice but to get down down down down.

Dance, nothing left for me to do but dance,
Off these bad times Im going through just dance
Got canned heat in my heals tonight baby

I feel the thunder see the lightning
I know this angers heaven sent.
So Ive got to hang out all my hang-ups
Because of the boogie I feel so hell bent
Its just an instant gut reaction, that I got
I know I never ever felt like this before,
I dont know what to doBut then thats nothing new,
Stuck between hell and high water
Need a cure to make it through.

Emilie's Email - Last Production Night

2007-03-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike Brown:

This is what you should do next year.Take big peice s ofrb ristol board. Tape them to the windows of the WLUSP office. Give ppl markers to write cool quoates on the paper when they walk by dunk. Take the bristol baord down q

My ass is falling out of my pants.

What at great idea!!!

2007-03-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

There it is, laid out in front of me -
a long, thick and very obvious line.
And I know that if I cross it, there's no turning back...I know.
I know that beyond this line is just another. And another.
Be strong, I tell myself. This line is a boundary.
But I have never known any boundaries before.
I dip my finger in and taste it.
I think to myself: I have too many feelings. I don't need them all.
There is no barbed wire here.
There are no men with guns. No electric gates.
Just one small line -
A line that is impermeable to fear and pain,
A line that separates feeling from not giving a shit.
I could leap over it and land on my feet.
But what if I can't get back in?
My lips and tongue are already numb.
I want to throw my whole body in.
But I hold my breath
and remember the last time I was this stupid,
I recall that pain, like me, knows no boundaries.
I hold my breath...and I blow the line away.
I will find other fences to climb.

I'll pry if I want to

2007-03-01T18:29:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share my thoughts on "talking about things."

In this strange and noisy planet, we're all actually very silent.

I have noticed that a lot of people are reluctant to leave their comfort zones when it comes to talking about the things that are important. Too often important issues in our lives are swept under carpets, overshadowed by superficial topics that are much more palatable.

Prying is so terribly underated. Today we live in a world where we're taught to be polite and worry about ourselves instead of others. Mind your own business. Don't push. Don't pry. Don't ask questions.

I really think it is the things we don't say that isolate each and every one of us in this place, when we could all be so much better connected.

So I would encourage everyone to ignore whatever silly custom or fear that is inhibiting you from following your instinct to care. Ask somebody "how are you," and don't let the conversation end when they say "oh, I'm fine."

Pumped

2007-02-07T14:48:00.000-08:00

I have felt incredibly positive lately. In fact, I am downright pumped. There are so many exciting things lined up, how could I not be?

Most notably, I will be soaking up the sun in Florida just over a week from now and the timing couldn't be better. The weather has been absolutely disgraceful. Mother nature should be ashamed of herself.

My sister finally set her wedding date for July 11th, 2007 in Scotland and booked a dinner room at some amazing hotel that has gardens with peakcocks in it. Coincidently, 7/11 is also when Pat and I celebrate our anniversary...looks like we'll be in Europe for the big 5!

Friday cannot come fast enough. I get to party with Krista AND Lianner (when does THAT happen?) all night long to the sensational sounds of MSTRKRFT!

And finally, today Karebear and I got tickets to see The Roots @ the Koolhaus...who else is going??

Other things that have put a smile on my face is the great feeling of being HEALTHY. Who would have ever thoought that not smoking or eating fast food could possibly make a difference? Ok, maybe it was a bit obvious, but not for me. That was the only lifestyle I had known for the greater part of my life. But now, after a month of eating only extremely healthy and low-calorie foods not only do I feel great...I feel like I look great too. All my jeans fit again (yay) and I feel good in a bikini.

The timing couldn't be better. :P

Gunther - tutti frutti summer love

2007-01-22T18:49:00.000-08:00


Title: tutti frutti summer love Artist: Gunther Sphie If you like this movie, visit my site then ^^ http://www.sphie.com/

Oh, Lianne

2007-01-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

I have to be a big loser and blog about Lianne's msn name.

Lianne is my roomate and an absolutely fabulous human being. She is always up for a party and drinks like a man.

Last night was no exception. Her MSN name is a testament to her utter drunkeness last night and really, it made me laugh so hard I needed to have it on record here so when we are old and wild nights of excessive drinking are but a distant memory, I can remember just how trashed this girl was.

Maybe she went online to say goodnight to her boyfriend when we got back from the bar. Could be she went online to look at porn. Who knows. Regardless, this is what her MSN name says this morning:

Lee - if it got more drunkl than that...i really cant see.
She doesn't get enough party, she doesn't get enough

I love how it makes no sense at all and really accurately reflects her state of mind and her inability to finish thoughts last night. At the risk of sounding motherly, Lianne, I'm proud of you. You didn't even throw up.

Pinchy's 2007 Top-Five Style List

2007-01-08T05:38:00.000-08:00

1. Hobo Chic
Remember Boho-chic? All you need to do is switch the B and the H and you've got yourself the ultimate fashionista on the go. Today's busy woman doesn't have time to live anywhere, let alone shower or worry about changing her clothes on a daily basis. Second-hand stores like the Salvation Army and Value Village are not only perfect for this look, they're 100% wallet-friendly. This is the year of the Pig, so take advantage ladies!

2. Year of the Pig
Did we mention it's the year of the Pig? Ok, you get it. Find your local animal shelter and get rid of that annoying yappy little dog. Canines are OUT. Pigs are in. George Clooney, named the sexiest man of the year, is inseperable from his pig "Max" and the trend is spreading through LA like annorexia. Take your pig to the mall, the salon and even to the hippest party spots. Everyone will dig your pig.

3. Cottage Cheese Please?
One of 07's biggest shocker trends is going to be cellulite. Having babies was the hottest celeb trend of '06, leaving our idols with fat, saggy asses and no time for surgery. So stop dishing out on "firming" creams and invest in some booty shorts. Let loose, and don't forget to pick up an extra Big Mac!

4. Since we've no place to go, let it grow, let it grow, let it grow
This year in tinseltown hair is flare. Not just on your head but everywhere. Let those unruly eyebrows rebel. Underarms, legs, bikini lines, upper lips and even sideburns (for those girls blessed by nature) are all hot, hot, hot this winter. It's not about feminism or saving the trees. It's the ultimate "I'm too busy making films, records and stealing African babies to shave" look.

5. Be this, be that, just be...smelly
No need to go to fancy department stores for the most sought-after scent of 2007. Look no further than your own body. That's right - Body Odour, aka BO, is IN. And how could it not be? Between never shaving or showering, eating greasy food, wearing used clothing and caring for beloved pet pigs, the mavens who are following all the trends smell like absolute hell. And Europe's top designers are loving it! Tommy, Ralph and Calvin are all working on capturing the BO scent but the best way to be on top of this hot trend is to DIY.

A note from the super on Christmas eve

2006-12-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

"If this car is here in the morning it will be towed!"

Merry Christmas everyone.

Six-word Memoir

2006-12-17T21:24:00.000-08:00

Smithmag is having a six-word memoir contest. Pat and I read about it on the Freakonomics blog.

As the site points out, this "could be the title of your autobiography, or maybe your epitaph."

Hemingway summed himself up with these six words:
"For sale: baby shoes, never used."
I guess that means he was born an old man?

I thought about mine for a while. On the one hand, I thought it wouldn't make sense to write a memoir at age 22, assuming I've got a ways to go. After all , nothing has "happened." No, that's bullshit. Really, I could write a memoir, if I thought it was anyone's business. It would be about as big as an encyclopedia and full of drama and adventure and romance.

The real challenge here is brevity. You have to know yourself well to be that succinct about your life. It really forces you to evaluate who you are and what you want your life to mean. Maybe next year I'll actually give NaNoWriMo a half-decent shot...but for now getting 6 words out about myself is tough enough.

If I had to sum up my life so far I would say that I am someone who has fun and isn't afraid to break the rules. I am someone who does what I want and follows my gut. Lastly, I am someone who leaves her mark and when I've been somewhere, you'll know I was there.

Bearing that in mind here's what I came up with. My memoir, in six words:

"I stepped barefoot in wet cement."

That'll do, for now but I'm not crazy about it...I guess life is a work in prorgress.

Life is a work in progress.

What would yours be?

Thoughts

2006-12-15T07:20:00.000-08:00

People often think, erroneously, that they need more time.
What would more time do for you? What have you done with the time that passed?

What exams are like...

2006-12-11T14:54:00.000-08:00

You don't have time to cook so you eat mostly fast food and condiments
Your first thought when you wake up in the morning is "shiiiiit"
You sweat taurine
Showers are rewards for a hard-day's work
Cleaning and dishes are much welcomed study breaks
You have a hunch back from leaning over your books
You write exams in your dreams
You post pointless blogs like this one - anything for a break
You contemplate dropping the course, dropping out or dropping dead!

Good luck everyone...keep on truckin'!

Thoughts

2006-12-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

The same place can't be the right place for everyone. And the wrong place won't feel right, no matter how long you stay there or what colour you paint it. It's still the same, wrong place.

Moon Boots!

2006-12-08T15:57:00.000-08:00

Remember
Moon Boots?

They're coming back!...in a variety of forms. Tecnica, who makes ski boots as well as apres ski-wear, is still selling the classic moon boots as well as updated designs. They also have other styles, like shearling and "metro."

Like it or not, these are probably the next uggs.

Would you wear them?

FOUR THINGS you may have not known about me...

2006-12-05T11:44:00.000-08:00

Compliments of April Robinson (and I added a music category, just cuz)

1) Four Jobs I have had in my life

Santa's helper
Waitress at a Bar
Blockbuster bitch
Salesperson at a bag store (hence my addiction)

2) Four Movies I watch over and over

Jerry Maguire
Rocky movies
Love Actually
Fight Club

3) Four Songs I listen to over and over

Sinnerman - Nina Simone
Get by - Talib Kweli
For the Widows in Paradise... - Sufjan Stevens
The Sea - Morcheeba

4) Four Places I have lived in

Toronto (North York)
Ottawa (Napean)
Richmond Hill
Waterpoo

5) Four Vacations I've been on

Paris
New York
Florida
Going to Scotland soon!!!

6) Four Favourite Foods

Steak and veg
Bacon breakfasts
Mr. Noodles
Mediterannean food

7) Four Websites I visit daily

Gmail/Hotmail
"People" gossip news
CBC news
People's blogs

8) Four Places I would rather be RIGHT NOW

At my cousin's in Staten Island playing with the baby
On a beach in Florida with Patty
Looking at the window displays in Manhattan
In TO with Karen, Irina and Julia

Alpacaheart

2006-12-04T11:48:00.001-08:00

"They can take our fur...but they will never take our FREEDOM!!"

McHardy McWedding

2006-12-04T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm going to Scotland!!

With her Masters ordeal behind her, my sister has finally taken off the labcoat and emersed herself in some wedding planning. As maid of honour, I've been a little apprehensive about having to wear a cookie-cutter bridesmaid dress for the second time (sorry Marina, but there was a reason I changed after the ceremony).

So I'm thrilled to hear that the big fat wedding was cancelled and instead our families are going to Scotland next fall for a small, modest ceremony.

Looks like I'm wearing plaid!

Pat and I are so excited. No one in my family has ever been there. I myself have always wanted to see the UK, especially London, but now that I've been looking at pictures of Castles all morning I am soooo hyped! I want to watch Trainspotting and Four Weddings & a Funeral RIGHT NOW.

If anyone who reads this has been to Scotland and has any suggestions of where to get married or where to visit while we're there, please comment or email me!

Yipppeeeee!

A few extra

2006-11-26T19:14:00.000-08:00

Leave it to good friends and family to always tell it like it is.

Apparently, I've put on "a few extra" lately. Not 20 pounds, just a few. Not enough to send me running to the gym or to give up my beloved cheeseburger and high-sodium diet. But enough that some of my clothes no longer fit.

But I am NOT complaining. Even though in this society we're supposed to freak out at the sight of a little pudge here or there, upon reflecting on this a bit I realized my increased shapeliness is indicative of 3 fabulous things:

1) I'm not a teenager anymore - my teen years were fun but I'm ready to move on and be a woman. Besides, I like my potentially (hopefully, fingers crossed) child-bearing hips. At least, they are child-holding hips.

2) I QUIT SMOKING!! - I don't ever like to talk about my addictions unless I'm talking about them in the past tense. I was definitely sucking down (at least) two packs a week this summer and even more after Paris. But no matter how many times Pat would plead with me to stop, I knew that I had to be ready before I could do it.

I didn't tell anyone my smoking was out of control or that it was making me sick. I just quit cold turkey, quietly and in my own way and last Thursday Pat and I celebrated 21 days of no smoking. It's just not a part of my life any more and I don't want it to ever be again.

The fact that I was able to quit was a sign that things are going well and I'm fairly content. Ok, so in terms of school and being organized and on top of things...I'm a bit of a train wreck. But despite appearances, I'm totally ok with that and I'm just enjoying the ride.

3) I'm healthy - Being insanely overweight is clearly no bill of good health but neither is being very thin. So ladies, rather than freak out at the sight of a bit of flesh here and there, celebrate. You're healthy. I don't know how long I can say that for. None of us really do.

Health is something we all take for granted. Being healthy is your ability to function and do things you like. It's living your life. Maybe we would all be as thin as we wanted if we were withering away in hospital beds, but where I come from, looking well-rounded is a beautiful thing.

So...

The next time Pat tells me I look beautiful, I'm going to forget about the tummy rolls and just believe him. Because I can breathe in the morning and really, I haven't felt this good in ages.

Good News

2006-11-21T12:46:00.000-08:00

Turn on the television and all you see and hear is bad news.

Kidnappings, bombs, shootings, scandal, global warming...it's all so depressing.

While being selective of our news sources, it is important to stay on top of what is going on around us. Too many people have their heads up their asses.

Having said that, not all news is bad. Yet judging from most mainstream sources it certainly seems that way sometimes. I have often bitched about all the negative news in the media and even joked about starting a television network that only showed good news, "one day." It turns out I'm not the only one who feels this way.

The Good News Network (International) is a website that strictly shares GOOD news. Recent headlines include articles about breakthroughs in stem cell research and "Indians using Google Earth to save the Amazon."

The imbalance between positive news and negative news in the media is pretty blatant, in my opinion. What does that say about us? That bad news is more marketable or interesting? I think hope and inspiration are interesting too. If you agree, check out this site or just search "good news." There are many Good News sites out there to make sure your media diet is balanced.

After a few minutes on a site like this, you just might want to give this World that you've been trashing an apologetic pat on the back.

Make a wish

2006-11-16T01:32:00.000-08:00

It is 4 am somewhere between Wednesday and Thursday. I could be drunk from lack of sleep but I feel a clarity I've never experienced before. This sort of epiphany is unfamiliar territory to an athiest like me.

I'm studying philosophy, formally, for the first time in my life and I realize now why this assignment has taken so long.

I feel like I have just assembled a puzzle. I think I have figured out everything I have ever wanted to know - or rather, I have just created it. Every last piece fits. Perfectly. Right down to the mushrooms.

Thank you Nietzsche, Mark Whalberg, Atreyu and Professor Walsh-Bowers.

I totally get it now.

ps. The name was "Moonchild."

"Nearly half of Canadians find security laws intrusive: study"

2006-11-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

I think the findings of this study are a shame.

I'm not saying that North Americans should blindly trust the government. But I think we need to take moveis like "Conspiracy Theory" and "Enemy of the State" a bit less seriously.

I find planes going into large buildings in NYC intrusive. I find Air Canada flights being bombed by terrorists intrusive.

Since when do we hold our privacy in higher regard than our safety? I'm really not concerned about the wearabouts of "my information." I wouldn't be concerned if my every movement was filmed in the street if it meant that anything between an assault on an individual to a terrorist attack could be deterred or, at the very least, punished.

The only reason you should be worried about your privacy is if you have something to hide. If someone is buying bomb materials I think authorities definitely have the right to know about it. They have better things to do than worry about someone's recent Stag Shop purchases or street-corner weed transactions. The only ones who should be concerned are dangerous criminals like Hell's Angels and terrorists. Why should the rest of us protect them?

1984 was a good book. I enjoyed it. I'm sure everyone enjoyed it. Just realize "Big Brother" isn't out there watching your every move...you're simply not important enough.

Health kick...in the ASS

2006-11-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

I have not had a great week. If at all possible, the coming week looks worse. I haven't had nearly enough time to do anything and there have been constant obstacles at every turn. I made a list of "things-to-do" for LAST Monday. Almost half of those things are on tomorrow's "to-do" list!
I'm so behind...no wonder I feel like an ASS.

To make matters worse, I had the delusional notion that a nice work-out would make me feel better.

HA!

Contrary to popular belief, I have been to the gym before. In fact, I even owned (and used) a membership. I used to box for God's sake. And I wasn't bad!

I've been sore before, but nothing could prepare me for THIS. I could barely move this morning and I have to walk like I have a fucking pipe up my ass. I am never doing anything "healthy" again. This old body just can't handle it.

As part of my recent health kick, my meals lately have consisted mostly of halloween candy. Right now I'm partial to SpongeBob SquarePants yogurt-covered raisins.

Pat and I did enjoy a nice dinner at his work Christmas party, although it was strange to be talking about Christmas this early, and on Rememberance Day.

Speaking of Christmas...my dad sent me a funny rendition of 'Hava Nagilah' on YouTube.

Like many girls of my background, I've heard versions of the Jewish folksong countless times, at Weddings, Bar Mitzvah's and even birthday parties.

I have never seen anything like this.

Ladies and Gentleman, Hava Nagilah, Thai style. Click here to watch.

Writing for couture in the city

2006-10-31T12:56:00.000-08:00

If you don't already visit le-fashionista blogs you're crazy.

Today I got an email from Angelique Sims, the ultimate fashionista who created and edits the sites, including my personal obsession Couture In the City. She came across my rant about The Departed and asked if she could post it on LePaparazzi and of course I said go for it. I also asked if she needed any help with her sites and she said she loved my writing style (which I've always known is much more Vogue than Time) and that they could use contributing writers.

So now I actually have an excuse to whittle away hours on catalogues looking at dresses and handbags. I get to be a fashion/gossip maven! So read bitches.

Heat vs. Departed

2006-10-26T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of people saying they don't want to see Scorsese's latest work of brilliance The Departed. This is arguably his best film since Goodfellas and features some of the greatest actors of our time.

The Departed reminded me a lot of Heat, another amazing movie. I think the latter was a bit long and drawn out, true to director Michael Mann's style, but well done nonetheless.

Both movies juxtapose two men who sit on opposite sides of the law. Where The Departed takes this to a whole other level is that these men sit on opposite sides of the law while embedded in each others' environments. The parrallels are obvious but without being gimmicky or cheesy.

First off - Jack Nicholson. It was refreshing to see that somebody other than DeNiro, Pacino, Pesci or Depp could NAIL the gangster role. It was also nice to see the Boston Irish in the spotlight for once and not the usual Itialian New Yorkers.

Although not one of the leading men, Mark Whalberg made the movie for me as an unlikely anti-hero and asshole extraordinaire who provides much-needed comic relief when things get too intense.

Matt Damon does a really good job playing one of those characters that you're not sure if you hate or sympathize with. You're rooting for Leo all the way, but you secretly hope it works out with both of them on top.

Lastly, my beloved Leo...oh how you never fail to disappoint me. Leo is so much more than a childhood crush to me. I honestly believe he is incredible and gets robbed of Oscars year after year. He's come a long way from playing Romeo, and for all he's done, I think we can forgive the epic disaster that was Titanic. In The Departed, Leo shows he can rock the Boston accent but he also embodied a man on the edge. Through Leo we felt the entire film and the intensity and stress of the whole situation.

This movie is what Donnie Brasco tried to do, put couldn't pull off nearly as well - showing a man lost between crime and the law. Here, Scorses proves that you don't need the shock-value, blood and gore to stand amongst the great films that tackle the organized underworld. He uses just enough violence to give us insight into poor Leo's high anxiety scenario. Instead well-written dialogue and superb acting is used to weave in and out of Matt and Leo's stories.

Both Heat and The Departed feature a heavyweight cast and end with a showdown between our ying and yang. If you liked Heat at all, go see this film already! You won't be disappointed - it's entertaining at the very least.

Sorry papa, no picture

2006-10-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

I went to Paris and it was amazing. I haven't wanted to talk or write about it yet because Pat forgot the camera in our hotel room. We called the hotel immediately when we got back and they said they found it. They said they would mail it. We have been harassing them for months now. Finally I got a package TODAY. I was so happy I jumped up and down yelling "yaaaaaaaaae" like an asshole. It was somebody else's camera. Someone else's memories.

My heart is officially broken. I called the woman at the hotel and this was the only camera she had...she said she found it in the lobby. Nobody else has reported a missing camera and the chambermaid bitch never returned any found items from the bedroom. I hope the chambermaid bitch bought herself crack cocaine with the money she made off Pat's cell phone and the broken camera. I hope she overdoses on it and dies. We have no pictures from our amazing trip and the pictures were amazing. I want to go back asap and retake them all with my new fucking camera. I am keeping this fuckup camera...that at least makes me feel somewhat better. I could send it back but it would never get to its owner anyways, not in a million years. The chambermaid bitch would just sell it for more crack. Fuck them.

I would trade this camera and another one and a thousand dollars to get those pictures back. We took incredible pictures of some of the most beautiful places and things in the world that my seriously flawed memory could never do justice.

Pinchy's Crapple Chicken Salad

2006-10-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

Pat and I thought it would be cute to surprise his family by throwing a thanksgiving dinner together at their house for when they got back from the cottage. It was quite fun...we definitely cut corners...buying "add water" stuffing and ready-to-go movenpick rotisserie chicken. I wanted to make my delicious russian potato salad, complete with kosher pickles and all but we had enough food anyway. I made yams, asparagus and other veggies...a tomato-cucumber and shrimp appetizer and delishus deviled eggs.

We spent about 2 hours or so preparing dinner and, other than Pat's delicious whipped cream and chocolate waiffer cake - really, who can compete with dessert? - the best part was my "Crapple (Cranberry-Apple) Chicken Salad," a recipe I pretty much randomly made up on the spot. Most food I make tastes like bum, but this turned out so good I'm going to share my "secret" with y'all so you can impress your future mothers-in-laws.

EASY Crapple Chicken Salad consists of:

Chicken Boobies
Mixed greens
Macintosh Apples
Dried Cranberry Raisins (or "crazins?")
Can of cranberry sauce
White Chedda
Honey-Dijon salad dressing

Flatten the chicken boobies and slice them up a bit...dump them on a skillet with about half a can of cranberry sauce, cover with lid and "simmer" on low to medium for however long it takes for it to not be raw. I would say like 20-30 minutes.

Wash some baby romain, ecoli-free spinach, etc. and chop up several apples into little cubes. Add a bit of the cheese (grated) and handfuls of the crazins. Put in as many apples and whatever else you like.

When the chicken tits are done, they should be a nice purpley pink from the cran sauce and the sauce should be all caramelized. Put it all in the salad, chicken tits, sauce, everything.

Add a bit of the honey-dijon salad dressing and you're done.

Optional - if you're not allergic to nuts (like me), walnuts or something would probably be a good addition to this Waldorf rip-off salad.

Enjoy! (BAM!)

So this is why people go to Korea

2006-10-07T07:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want to kick my own ass for not doing an undergrad thesis this year. But then I read 80 pages of academic journals and realize that so much of it is irrelavant and circular. People spend their whole lives studying this one tiny specific thing and in the end they never prove anything, because someone else has spent their entire careers trying to prove the opposite. And maybe both studies have their limitations but hell, if you want to prove that dogs can talk, current scientific methods allow you to do that. It can get quite rediculous.

But I think I'm doing the right thing. I am so sick of being a student. I want to be a person. If I work and save some money for a year or so, nothing will stop me from going back on my original track, toward an MA or PhD in psychology. If it turns out that's what I'm supposed to do. But PR sounds enticing. So does HR. Even government...and community outreach...family/addiction counselling...or writing for a fashion magazine. hahaha I'm ALL over the map.

So now I'm faced with answering the hardest questions. I don't really know what my values are anymore. I'm not sure if it's important for me to help people or make money. If I want to influence people, work with others, have fun at work or make a difference... I'm not sure if I want a 9-5, if I'm willing to work long hours, if I'm willing to stop working at some point so I can raise some kids...I'm not even sure if I want to do that anymore.

I keep hearing about people going to Asia to teach English. Now one of my friends is seriously considering going after this year. I always wondered why or how people do that...wondering "aren't you anxious to start your life?" But what is there to be anxious about? How can you start your life if you don't really know who you are?

Maybe I need to go away after school...get away from everything and everyone that has created this "noise." Because I can't hear my own voice anymore.

song

2006-10-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

(this is better with music but until i start to post songs...)

Life comes down
in drops
Hits the ground
and stops
Making oceans in
the street
My emotions at
my feet

That's how I learned to breathe
under water

I supply
the hurricanes
Both the eyes
are on my face
If you can make it
to the roof
Maybe you can fake
the truth

Or you can learn to breathe
under water

Baby's First Guitar Lesson

2006-09-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

Leanna Eve Rybner - 8 months

What Not to Do

2006-09-28T10:13:00.000-07:00

Don't...

Trust anyone, because everyone has a big mouth.

Leave a camera at a hotel in Paris and be stupid enough to think they'll send it back.

Go to the doctor and find out you have a "serious medical condition" and then go home and google it and read about it on Wikipedia, because Wikipedia will tell you it's the 9th leading cause of death in America.

Go to health services at WLU. They will give you a prescription and call you 2 days later to tell you the medicine you've been taking might kill you.

Make plans because you will be very disappointed. Every route you map out will have unexpected construction, accidents, detours, delays and dead ends. Just accept your life for whatever the hell it is and live it.

Let on to anyone that you feel like your life is in shambles. Nobody cares. Their busy enough trying to figure out their own shitty lives and you're probably way better off anyway.

Be afraid to laugh about whatever you want to cry about. It's funny. Really, it is.

Think too much. Everything will be fine.

Goodbye Summer

2006-09-10T19:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't the time or energy to blog about Paris and how fabulous that trip was...but on this last day of this most wonderful summer break all I can say is that I wish I had one more day. I've never felt this much dread about school before. If not excited, I've at least felt motivated in the past. And while I admit I feel completely devoid of knowledge and information, I would rather have a week to myself for reading a book of my choice than have to submit to the structure and utter bullshit of school and class.

Random thoughts...

1. I have 15 bags/purses but 0 dollars. Coincidence?

2. Today I went to Petcetera, Canada's leading retailer of pet supplies, to buy a leash for Sally. And of all the rediculous crap they had in this enormous store, they were OUT of leashes! Thus small stores are the way to go.

3. Leanne moved in today. I'm so glad she's back.

4. Pat and I saw a Korean movie at the Toronto Film Festival called "The King and the Clown" and it was awesome! We also rented "V for Vendetta"...absolutely incredible movie.

5. My dog is sooooo cute.

Films to see:

2006-08-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

The Prestige
Chris Nolan (Momento, Insomnia, Batman) + delicious Bale + Wolverine + Michael Caine + Johansson+ Swank + Gollum + Magicians...should be good enough on its own, right? But DAVID BOWIE IS IN THIS MOVIE!!!! So ya, I need to see this.

The Black Dahlia
Screenplay written by the same guy who wrote L.A. Confidential, one of my favourite films. Directed by De Palma (Scarface), starring Hartnett and Scarlett Jo. I'm a sucker for a steamy technicolour neo film noir.

This Film Is Not yet Rated
Documentaries are great, but this one has "graphic sexual content" too.

Shortbus
"A group of New Yorkers caught up in their romantic-sexual milieu converge at an underground salon infamous for its blend of art, music, politics, and carnality."
Need I say more?

Qian li zou dan qi (That's Japanese for "Riding Alone for Thousands of Miles")
A father embarks on an unexpected journey in China to finish the film of his dying, estranged son.

Catch a Fire
Apartheid drama co-starring Tim Robbins doing a South African accent.

Southland Tales
The much, much anticipated second work from writer/director Richard Kelly who brought us Donnie Darko and then disappeared for 5 years. I do have to express some concern though. It's a musical starring the Rock. And Sarah Michelle Geller. And Stiffler. And Justin Timberlake. This will either be brilliant or absolutely rediculous, but worth my $10 regardless.

Borat: Cultural learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
I want him to make a romance inside me.

Dear Porcupine,

2006-08-24T09:27:00.000-07:00

(**Ok, one last post before I go to Paris**)

So you call yourself a “hippie?”

(Hippie: someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle.)

Do you live what you preech or just do it for show? Are you conscious or just self-conscious, only worrying about what others see?

In my opinion, you are a walking cliché.

You live to be consistent with your title, however blind your faith to it may be. Much of what you believe is circular and self-contradictory. Worse yet, you know it.

You are pretentious and judgmental. You should let your education include acceptance of different perspectives.

You should indulge in freedom - a thing you simultaneously promote and reject in others, true to your hypocritical nature.

The reason you are this way is, perhaps, because others rejected you. Behind the façade of what you stand for (presumably love, caring and acceptance?) is a trembling child who wants friends.

You dress differently to visibly identify yourself as being part of your clique, and only accept others who look like you – a most ordinary type of prejudice.

You are no different from others, however you paint yourself.

Essentially, your dismissal of others is a defense mechanism much like the mentality of those who think it’s better to break up with someone before they break up with you. Better dismiss someone before they dismiss you. It’s habit now…you don’t even realize you do it. This attitude – it is your shield. Your skin is hard by now, and lined with needles to prick anyone not like you who comes too close. A shield of needles.

In sum, you are a porcupine.

You dislike me because I pose a threat to you. You have decided that because I am not overweight or fashion-impaired, because I am cheerful, because I have a sense of humour, and because I am sexually confident that I must lack intelligence. Ironic. That is a very unintelligent train of thought (destined for inevitable collision).

It takes courage to let your guard down. To be silly. To be blunt. To not care what people think. It takes courage to be me. I pray that one day you, cowardly Porcupine, find courage as well. Maybe then we will be friends. For now, don’t bother.

Going to Paris...

2006-08-24T06:14:00.000-07:00

brb!

Suction

2006-08-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Most of the time I’m busy, and if not, I make myself busy. If I have free time, there’s always lying around to do. There’s the guitar in the corner collecting dust and cobwebs. There’s this blog and the other secret blogs and the blogs of friends and strangers I compulsively post on. You can say I have no life…you can say I have too many. I live around many black holes that I ignore and try to avoid like the plague. They don't exist to me...but they have such powerful pull.

Most of the time the pressure is high, just the way I like it. But as with all things, there’s a tipping point...a point of diminishing returns - this metaphorical “edge” that people often claim to have been pushed over.

I think, when factoring all levels of stress including deep, core layers, my threshold is high. It makes for a far drop when I’ve reached my edge. Bottom is not a cold, hard rock. It’s pain and dizziness and tiredness and uselessness. It’s secrets and hiding and excuses. It’s forgetting and then explaining. It’s never reaching your potential because your arms aren’t long enough.

Bottom is a place I go to sometimes and climb out of and never look back. I keep it light and happy, I walk without looking both ways, I skip over potholes, I trip occassionally. I get up. I go on tangents and limbs and binges and sprees. Some people say I’m in denial. I laugh at that.

I have been healthy and happy for a good solid four months – that’s my whole summer. Yes, there were the inevitable issues here or there but those are the normal spikes and waves in the electrolifeogram. No one is out to get me. Everything in my body appears to be working. My hands are free from holding things together. I'm not shielding my head from a downpour of Things falling apart.

But every now and then when the pressure gets low again, the walls come in a bit and I feel the familiar tug, the push and pull of suction. It’s when things get easy that I start to think, and thinking makes me sad. I’ve been trying not to think for years. Thinking hurts…keep busy. Keep it light.

Instead, I lie in the sun, suspicious of this beautiful day. Suspicion is my happy medium.

I won't be scared of the unknown or what's out there. I'm learning to be happy, but not to relax. I always look over my shoulder. Cautiously, I'll enjoy this...until I get sucked in again.

"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day"

2006-08-15T09:11:00.000-07:00

Well these days have been anything but dull...I just really wanted to quote that song because I love it.

Speaking of Pink Floyd, I saw a great movie last night called "The Squid and the Whale" that features "Hey You." The last great movie I saw was C.R.A.Z.Y. that had a great scene of the main character rockin' out to "Shine on you crazy diamond." A pattern...?

I have been soooo busy. I am managing a group of 15 highschool volunteers at work everyday and they're exhausting, but quite helpful. It's only been a couple days now but I feel like I've had a chance to connect with almost every one of them on an individual basis. One girl plays in a band and wants to be a tattoo artist. Another boy was born in Germany and recently went to Hungary - he thinks it's the best place in the world, the "Paris of Eastern Europe." Today I talked to a boy for 20 minutes about roller skating - apparently there are only 4 roller rinks in Canada and one of them is in Cambridge. He and his friedns are really into it - the new trend is breakdancing on roller skates which sounds dangerous but must look siiiiiick. One girl, Anna, is one of the most impressive kids I've ever met. She only just finished grade nine but she is passionate activist at her school, pushing for inclusion, anti-bullying programs and starting a gay-straight alliance. And she's such a little fashionista! So far, I like these kids.

Last weekend was incredible...I went to The Drake for Lianne's birthday, by-passed ALL the lines (as per usual) and had an incredible night. After hanging out on the swanky patio Lianne and I snuck off to the basement and got tickets for Cuizinier - a white Parisian rapper (ironice since I'm going to Paris in TWO WEEKS!!) who rhymes almost as fast as Twista over a mix of R&B, Underground and some Dirrrrty South beats laid by DJ Orgasmix. They performed in the Drake's packed basement to a sold-out crowd with me and Lee rockin' out at the front.

But before they came on...DJ NAV opened and WOW he was incredible. He does hard rock to a dance beat with breaks and it is off the muthafriggin' hook. He told me he spins every month at the Drake and does sets randomly at other venues. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for DJ Nav!!!

Saturday Pat took Sally and I to his cottage. Sally wore a life jacket and went canoeing with us. We went seadooing and it was the funnest things ever - there were lots of boats on the water and many many many waves and the best part was when I jumped a wave and turned and threw Patty of the sea doo (sorry Patty).

The downfall of the weekend was definitely missing 'Pril's wedding. Congratulations honey, I wish you and Jakey all the best and I hope your honeymoon rocks and rolls! xoxoxo

I also must note that the previous weekend I went to Grand Bend with Reens Pat and Scotty and had the best day ever...and then a drive-in theatre with Karebear which was awesome. Karen - I love you WITH the bonnet/mullet!!!!! *mwah*

Happy Birthday Blog

2006-08-10T12:01:00.000-07:00

While the archives only go as far back as March, this blog was actually started about a year ago...

It was a strange time, living back "home" in the greater Toronto and surrounding area (aka Thornhill), dealing with a bit of a personal crisis which somehow led to me starting this. It seems like more than 12 months since then, when I think of all of the things I have come to terms with.

So, officially I have been a blogger for a year now - not a particularly good one, but dedicated.

I thought by now I would have figured out what this thing was for. Certainly it's not to showcase my writing talents as most of this is venting and junk. It's hard to keep a true diary when you are aware that others are reading it. And I am not really the type to open up political discussion as I get dizzy every time I try to establish an opinion.

If anything, this blog has served as partly a diary, a punching bag, a newsletter for friends and loved ones far away, a procrastination tool and a nasty habit.

Happy Birthday Blog - may you grow.

"A Grand Event"

2006-08-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

"Hello Everybody,

August 19th is my last day in town but that should not be the only reasonall y'all try to make it out to this thing. For one thing, small party, cool people, and amazing music. As Jo mentioned, no humming but that's okaywe can all survive without the humming.

P.S. Bring your dancing shoes. I cant imagine this crowd wont break it down on the dance floor.

See y'all soon!

Irina :)"

*By the way Irina, I'm posting your email on my blog...what's with the 'no humming'? There MUST be humming!!*

On Labels

2006-08-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

I love women and I love being a woman. I care about the world around me and will likely devote much of my life to social issues. Yet I don’t call myself a Feminist or a Socialist.

I don’t define myself, because I don’t want to be confined in a box.

When I die, I’ll spend eternity in a box. We have plenty of time to be in boxes. I don’t understand why some people are in such a rush. Maybe it’s so people can get to know them faster and understand them better. Maybe it’s so people can identify with some group of other people in similar boxes. Maybe having the same box as someone makes them like you better. I don’t care about those things. I understand that a lot of people do though. Insecurity can make people need to belong somewhere concrete…even if it is just a silly box.

Until I die, I want to remain flexible. My ability to move is what separates me from the imprisoned and the dead. You don't need to know me through and through by looking at me. And I live for the element of surprise.

Animal Shelter Tragedy

2006-08-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

I saw something on the news this morning that brought me to tears.
An SPCA animal shelter in Midland caught fire last night when it was struck by lightening, killing as many as 30 kitties and other small animals.

Thankfully 27 cats, puppies and older dogs were rescued, but they all suffered terrible burns, eye damage and other injuries. Just the thought of these innocent animals suffering, and some being trapped and helpless in the midst of a raging fire is just heart-breaking.

Please click here to learn more about this and how you can make a donation to the SPCA, as now they all need a new home and money for treatment. I'm sending a cheque for $20...I know it's not much, but I don't get paid until next Friday and it's all I can do.

On a lighter note, today is the most beautiful day I have seen in a while. If there is a place in the world where every day is like this, please let me know and I will move there!

Wednesday we booked our flight and hotel package for Paris. T HIS is the place we're staying at. I requested a room with a balcony and view of the Arc de Triomphe on Champs Elysees. I am so fricking excited I could scream!

The view!

(Bad Poetry Blitz)

2006-08-03T08:02:00.000-07:00

You are four years ahead of yourself
Seven days behind schedule
And maybe the cigarette is smoking you

Earth lion

2006-08-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

I am still who I am and who I was
When you thought you knew me.
You saw me in many places –
Different everywhere.
Changing is who I am;
My skin, my mind.

woman

2006-08-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

those tiny grains of sand move faster through that glass than you think
and there’s too much salt in the water to drink
you float better than you sink
you bleed red not pink

warming

2006-08-03T07:46:00.000-07:00

while some stress over melting ice
and honchos fear financial meltdown
my indifference is keeping me dry

Confessions of a Bon Vivant

2006-08-01T07:56:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about Paris. I wasn't before. In fact, I didn't think it would happen and I wasn't even sure if I could or would go.

But then every time I step outside my house onto rocks, mud, gravel and dust and every time my thoughts are interrupted by the sound of machines destroying things and firehouse bells and ambulance sirens I realize...I have to get the hell out of here!

It's getting harder to concentrate at work because I keep zoning out and thinking about the trip. I can see myself there, at la Tour Eiffel, strutting down Champs Elysees, salivating from all the designer yumminess around me...Sitting at some cafe sipping espresso with a long french cigarette...watching the city float by as we enjoy cocktails on the River Seine...

And I wonder how and when and why suddenly in my life that has been so plagued with shitty luck, did I suddenly fall upon such an amazing opportunity. I fear I will become spoiled from the happiness I'm just not really used to and never, ever recover.

I can't wait to see this city. I have a feeling I might belong there.

"Michelle, Plan Your Disney Wedding Today"

2006-07-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

This was the subject line of an email I received today.

Not to sound bitter or anything, but um...

At what trade show from hell did I give my email address to the kinds of people who send me crap like this? I'd like to send them a little package as well... "hey asshole, plan your funeral today. you never know." Maybe I'm not engaged TODAY. Not everyone in the world is getting married. Fuckers.

Thank you Disney, for making me vomit TODAY.

p.s. If I WAS to get married, it wouldn't be a disneyfied piece of shit wedding, it would be organic and unique, something you people seek to destroy in this world.

A random email that made my day!...

2006-07-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

Good morning Michelle!

As i write you I bare bad news... after i had left Sonic from an amazing night, i headed to FILM for some more dancing... just couldn't get enough.

While there, taking more classic photos with old and new friends, someone accidently deleted, not one, or two but ALL of my photos... and on a personal note, pictures that went well back before the start of the night.

As you could imagine, that hit me like a baseball on theside of the head, but it could be worse, i could have lost my appendix to bad chinese food! so as much as i hold that sonic night as a classic, we will have to work to redo the wrong and build some more classic shots!!

I hope you had a wonderful night that night as well and that we do cross paths in the near future... you got a good soul about you and a kick ass hat! LOL!!

stay well my friend and please keep in touch!

"Return to New York:" Mylo + Mstrkrft

2006-07-24T11:54:00.000-07:00

What an incredible weekend.

After a seemingly endless workday last Friday, I threw on my favourite heels and my military cap and booted it down to Toronto for Mstrkrft and Mylo's CD release party at Sonic.

I met up with Krista at the always hospitable Stacey's house and finally met this Liz that Krista always says I have to meet. The four of us ladies head down town to sketchy Spadina (the last time I was there we arrived just in time for a shooting at 7/11)...and I had a little Louis Vuitton to keep me going...and something pink later (?)

Sonic is a club where the old theatre used to be on Spadina. Outside it's a nasty pile of cement that looks like a rendez-vous for crackheads. Inside, it's incredible. They have the biggest disco ball I have ever seen in any bar (period!) encapsulated by a fabulous chandelier. The decor is very funk meets arabian nights...comfy couches (a must when dancing exceeds 6 hours) and beautiful lanterns dangling over the bars. My only complaint are the many, many steps and stairways. Law-suits waiting to happen, in my opinion.

But enough about the venue. If Mylo made me hot, Mstrkrft made me WET. It was so hot I think I felt my body evaporate. Mstrkrft is made up of two guys, one of which is from the band "Death from Above." The music they played...it doesn't even exist yet. They played a remix of Metric's "Monster Hospital," some eightees remixes, some originals (BRILLIANT) and even some Happy Hardcore which was so nostalgic for me I nearly cried tears of joy.

Getting booted out at 5 am was pretty brutal since I was just peaking and ready to go another few hours. But then it gave me the opportunity to have an amazing 3-hour talk with Krista, who I miss so very, very much and who I will be seeing LOTS more now that she's back from Italy!!!

Saturday night's pool party was as fun as could be expected on zero sleep...but needless to say a heated pool was much welcomed. Dancing at the fox Saturday night was so bizarre, due to the lack of sleep...because it actually felt like a continuation of the same night.

Sleep that night was the most wonderful feeling in the entire world.

Sunday it was decided that I'm going to Paris at the end of the summer and I fell asleep reading about wine tours in Bordeaux.

IndieUnlimited - Harbourfront Centre

2006-07-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

"The indie DIY (do it yourself) scene has evolved into a worldwide arts culture that is much more than "alternative". Celebrating DIY culture through electronica, rock and alt-country, fringe theatre, literature, blogs and future of music forums."

Click here for more information...

FYI: we missed 'beats breaks & culture' this year! nooooooooooooo

Steel?

2006-07-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "you're so strong..."

But lately, not so much. Not the beautiful magnolia these days. And definitely not the steel.

That's ok. I'm allowed.

I've been on the trail of infinite crossroads and I'm beginning to see that whether I go left or right, I end up right where I started. It's a heart-shaped path with a jagged line running up the centre.

No more decisions, because they only count in the moment anyway.

Just be. And be strong.

This is a recording

2006-07-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

Rogers wireless. The customer you are calling is not available. In fact, he probably will never be available. He's an idiot. Please give up and try calling someone else. This is a recording...

If you think my dog is hot...

2006-07-14T08:46:00.000-07:00

I've started to get really angry lately. I think it's all the yo-yoing of my emotions. It's office work slowly starting to get to me (even though I have the best job ever, I really can't complain). It's Waterloo and everyone around me being in business. It's breakfast keggers in my backyard at 8 in the morning. It's people disappointing you. Again and again. It's being disappointed in yourself for having high or even moderate expectations of anyone other than yourself.

I need to have fun and drink tonight. I need to do my hair for once instead of just braiding it wet like a regular office wench only to feel like a poodle when I go out in the evening. I need to spend some time on myself not worrying about others and not trying to achieve anything but sublime drunkeness and inner peace.

A friend and I were on the phone a couple days ago talking about funny t-shirts...I have a thing for corny t-shirts with clever sayings on them.
There was one in New York that said "You're next on my to do list," which I almost got, but realized I wouldn't have the guts to wear.
Then I came up with a really dirty one... "If you think my dog is hot...wait til you see my pussy."

I know, it's horribly racy, but it made us laugh.

All you had to do is swing

2006-07-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

"What's the deal with my brain?
Why am I so obviously insane?
In a perfect situation
I let love down the drain.

There's the pitch,
slow and straight.
All I have to do is swing
and I'm the hero, but I'm the zero"

X squared & a tattoo

2006-07-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

1) Oh how I hate those retarded couples who keep breaking up and getting back together again.
Let it be my new mantra.

My new best friend is my ex boyfriend. Is that even possible? It's a shame that we couldn't get along this fabulously as a couple. Some people just treat their "others" differently from their friends. Maybe we are those types of people.

I'm beginning to think a relationship is just a habit...and each relationship is unique with a protocol set very early on for how those two people relate to each other. Was our relationship just a series of escalating bad habits? Are you my bad habit?

Maybe certain people just clash within the context of certain relationships and flourish in the context of others.

I like to think that it's all just his fault. Here's a question: do people change? And for how long?

2) Tattoos

I have wanted a tattoo for over five years now. There is one reason I haven't done it yet and it isn't about pain or money or any foolishness like that. It's sheer indesiciveness. Plus I had set the most rediculous and unrealistic prerequisite for getting a tattoo - I have to first define myself and then, as if that isn't impossible enough, I have to find a symbol that encompasses that definition.

I'm 22. How could I possibly define myself?

I've settled on a seashell. I think...ugh. Any thoughts?

The good, the bad and the ugly

2006-07-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

The Good:

Fridays
T.O. this weekend - soccer, grand prix and 'celebrate toronto'
Jazz in Waterloo
Watching the finals with my plane buddy from France
Last night. Enough said...

The bad:

Dropping makeup in the toilet - why is the shelf OVER the toilet anyway???

The ugly:

Italian soccer fans. TA GUEULE!!
Rent...nooooooooooooooooooooo!

This is me drunk out of my mind...

2006-07-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

After throwing up at "Butter," apparently the hottest club in NYC.
FYI: Butter is CLOSED to non-celebrities on Saturday nights, but the bouncer will hit on you and let you in if you need to vomit or pass out in their very comfortable chairs.
We ended up at Butter after leaving a private party at another club where me and Irina somehow ended up stuck with everyone else's shots of Vodkas and god-knows-what-else.
At the end of the night, we ended up at a retro eightees bar called "Culture Club" and I danced with a gay Boy George impersonator. I miss New York.
Somehow, even when I'm really busy, I find time to be lonely.
Last night I wrote an awesome breakup song and then played Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" on the guitar until I passed out. I'm getting used to sleeping alone...does my dog count?

How little I know (2)

2006-07-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

Your pictures are still in my room. Your socks are still in my drawer. Your name is still on the tip of my tounge and I find if I don't talk about you, I have nothing else to say.

With the realization that you might not be right for me comes the realization that I might be wrong.I used to obsess about my "future." Used to? I still do. But I define future differently now. It's not the what but the who that suddenly matters most. My biggest fear has always been to end up in the wrong job. Suddenly that has shifted to an absolute phobia of ending up with the 'wrong' person. And I don't even know if there's such a thing as a 'wrong person.'

Maybe life can't be wrong. Could it be that we just have to let things happen to us and make them work, and fit? What difference does it make what we choose? I can stay with him and be happy, but always wonder if I could be more happy. I can do the same with anyone else.

Why am doing this to myself, to him?

Deep down I think I know...it's this restlessness in me that does this, always has. Sometimes I need to rock the foundation of things until everything is just a heap of rubble. So I can rebuild the kind of life I think I want. And when it's done I'll look at it with heartbreaking disappointment and realize it simply didn't turn out the way I imagined in my head. And I'll start the cycle again.

Damn my stupid head, and rediculous imagination. I can't believe how little I know.

sex and the city quotes...

2006-07-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

....

I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming... can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite, in this lovely hotel, in Paris.

...

MAYBE...

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky,

a plane ride away.

...

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with.

...

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

New York

2006-06-29T12:38:00.000-07:00

Since we are sans car, it looks like we're bussing it down to New York City tonight. I should be packing in a frenzy, but instead I'm lollygaging here while I book an appointment for my pedicure. Sadly, the weather in nyc this weekend will be just as much of an asshole as the weather here has been this past week. It's really a shame because as much as I can't wait to see my cousin and the baby, it seems like a waste to travel there for a few days if it's going to be pouring the whole time.

Saturday we're going to Butter, a posh manhattan restaurant that transforms into a swanky club at night. I don't particularly care about running into celebreties and all that, but if it's good enough for Paris, Diddy and LiLo, it's good enough for me. I hope the weather doesn't interfere with inevitable good times.

Before I leave in about...4 or 5 hours, if anyone wants any New York City swag (knock-offs, duty-free booze, one-of-a-kinds or anything that 'fell of the truck'), now is the time to tell me.

Happy Canada Day bitches! And happy 4th of July ;)

update

2006-06-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I actually had a great birthday.

As it approached, I really hoped it would pass quietly. In many ways (compared to previous years) it did, and yet there were so many kind little things, from friends, family, friends of family and loved ones that gave me tiny boosts of 'yay' throughout the days. And Friday just could not have possibly been more fun, even though we were at Rev and surrounded by what truly was a conglomeration of the ugliest and most obnoxious people in southern Ontario. Saturday at El Mocambo was great, except for the shooting that occured across the street at 7-11 as we entered the club. That just wasn't cool. But wow...even though all of us felt sick at one point in the night (expected given the lack of sleep), break beats and funk are a combination you can never go wrong with. The Queen remix was great too, and still in my head. To end a perfect weekend perfectly, I had the opportunity to go to see a friend's sweetass boat and pass out on the beach.

Thank you to everyone for all the little things you did...whether it was cookies, cake or tequilla. They made a big difference.

Tempus

2006-06-22T08:11:00.000-07:00

Everything has to do with time these days.

I have to now find trivial ways to keep myself distracted, consume myself with whatever flapdoodle can push that hand around the clock. My life that was once bursting at the seams is now kind of inane and meaningless.

On a positive note, this is all temporary. Temporary.

The fact that I feel this empty is obviously largely to do with love and grief and all the classic torture devices of relationships. But as the Dixie Chicks so wisely pointed out, 'wide open spaces' can also be a blessing.

If these are life's lessons...she'll take this test

Humour me

2006-06-20T08:23:00.000-07:00

Most people know what's going on by now, I think.
I apologize in advance if I need to talk a lot during this. Anyone who has been there know's it's a pretty tough thing to go through, but I'm going through.

I don't think I often ask for much of my friends. All I really want to do right now is laugh, and I'm not going to cry. Send me jokes, say something funny, recommend a good comedy to me, and if *anyone* wants to go to Yuk Yuk's at any time, please let me know.

(I could use a hug too).

For Karen...

2006-06-20T08:13:00.000-07:00

"He's major payne!"

2006-06-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JgKUnhCANTY

A heavy heart weighs you down in the morning

2006-06-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

When your heart is broken, it wakes you up in the morning with a punch in the gut. Then it keeps you in bed all morning, between sleep and sleepy wakefulness.

I'm so hurt. And angry. The anger is lessening the hurt, I know. But then the hurt just makes me angry. And it's a vicious cycle of pain. I'm trying to be strong but I keep cracking.

Nothing truly momentous happened, not unless you were there, not unless you were me and you felt how I felt. For me it was pivotal. I need to let go of the positive illusions...the ones I possess, the ones I project. I need real. Real is scarier than comforting, safe and logical fake. Real is raw, real makes you vulnerable, real puts you out there.

I wish it wasn't so complicated. I wish there weren't so many vines between lovers to untangle and separate. Some knots are tied so tight that those ties need to be cut. And then what? Will I be amputated and haunted by your phantom limbs?

Can I do this? When? How?

Life is what happens...

2006-06-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

I think it was John Lennon who said "life is what happens while you're busy making other plans."

I haven't written here in a long time. I have an amazing job with the city doing a project that has come to mean a lot to me. I used to hate this city until I worked for it. Then again, this is my first summer here. I would love any place in the world as long as it was summer. I take care of Sally and that keeps me busy too. I volunteer every week at a distress centre. I do Cord stuff, as usual. I spend a lot of time with Pat.

I realized I don't want to spend the next ten years in school doing research and that I don't need to make a career of helping people. I can do whatever I want for money and help people for free. I've decided not to pursue a PhD anymore. I want to do PR. Quite a turnaround, I know. That's the beautiful thing about life and being this age.

Ah, this age. I feel really old. I like being 21. I'll miss it.

My mom came to visit and I'm so glad she did. We really caught up. She really needs me right now and even though I wish I could help her more, it's a good feeling to be needed.

We saw "The Lakehouse" last Friday. A lot of people in the theatre laughed at parts that I don't think were supposed to be funny. Some people left and said it was stupid. I loved it. It really moved and touched me. Maybe I'm the last girl on Earth who believes in that kind of magic.

The movie was all about timing, which I have always said is everything when it comes to love. Timing and magic.

Today I feel like a lot of things are about to change. I can usually predict these things, the way elephants ran up hills before the big tsunami and the way my dog gets really sad and nervous hours before a storm because she can feel it coming and she's scared of storms.

I'm a little scared...but I know I'm strong. I can handle change. In fact, I welcome it.

"Freedom"

2006-05-21T12:29:00.001-07:00

What follows is the opposite of kvetching:

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

What was going to be a "responsible" weekend of getting things done and being good to my body had somehow, in literally an instant, turned into me going to Guvernment tonight with Krista and her posse for "Freedom" and it's going to be off the hook. There will be jungle and break beats and dancing and pure wholesome goodness*

Tomorrow I hop on a bus back to Wloo first thing in the morning and sleep ALL day. Tuesday I start my first day at City Hall working for the city of Waterloo! YAY!

Something tells me I'll regret partying tonight. Fortunately, I've mastered the art of tuning out the voice in my head that tells me these things.

*No wholesome goodness allowed on Guvernment premises

"My words fly up, my thoughts remain below"

2006-05-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

Today I felt way better but unfortunately made Pat sick. I feel bad because I pick up every single flu, cold or virus that I come across and it never occurs to me that it might effect him too, because he's so much stronger than me.
---
I really, really, really hate the new car commercials where people are having very natural conversations that are brutally interrupted by horrible accidents. I haven't been in a serious car accident yet and those ads kind of freak me out. They don't make me want to buy the car, they make me want to buy a bus pass.
---
I went to my Shakespeare class today, finally, and the teacher announced we were officially mid-way through the course. Holy fuck. It was my second time going. We watched a Kenneth Brannagh film, a british comedy, about a bunch of eccentric actors trying to put on a production of Hamlet. It reminded me why I took this God-damn course in the first place.
---
Dear Karen,
Did you change your phone number? I can't reach you! Aja is coming to Waterloo this weekend and u should come too! Call me *mwa*

Kvetching

2006-05-16T07:48:00.000-07:00

Last night, before we fell asleep, Pat and I watched a news piece on Puppy Mills. It seems like every year, there's a story on these things, and our Liberal provincial government has no intentions on doing anything about it any time soon. The images we saw give me chills, and made me cuddle Sally just a little bit tighter. We got her at a pet store 9 years ago and as much as I hate to admit it, she probably came from a puppy mill herself.

I have an interview with the City of Waterloo tomorrow and I want the job so bad I can taste it. Unfortunately, the part-time job I got last week is probably out the window now that I didn't show up today or yesterday. I keep getting sick. Feeling well is no longer the norm, but rather a luxury. I don't really know what I'm doing different or wrong. All I know is that I get that panicked feeling, like I'm falling behind and everything is falling apart and waiting for me to fix it. And I just don't have the energy for anything anymore. I hate this feeling, that I can't rely on myself and always have to expect the unexpected. I want to be consistent.

Well this is enough kvetching to last me the month, so I'll come back with something positive to say later. If I can't think of anything, I'll just bluff.

Poker

2006-05-15T16:19:00.000-07:00

It's true what they say:
"Everything in life is a gamble."
And the more you wager, the more you can gain.
When dealt a shitty hand, just bluff. Smile.
Go all in.

Down with the by-law!

2006-05-07T14:43:00.000-07:00

The city of Waterloo has a noise by-law that is in effect 24 hours a day.

This means that keggers, which in the summer are a daily occurence, can expect visits from the cops as early as 7 pm.

This morning, Pat and I were awoken by the sound of drums and trumpets outside his apartment at 10 in the god-damn morning. When I, half-joking, suggested he make a noise complaint, you better believe he did!
It was actually the funniest thing ever. The source of the noise was a bunch of young cadets and some official-looking older men (possibly even police officers) preparing for some kind of parade. We watched from his window laughing our asses off as a cruiser pulled up to talk to the crowd. Yeah, we're assholes.
Of course, the cadets/marching band were given an exemption to this by-law.

Seriously though, please don't tell me that students drinking in a back-yard at 7 pm is more disruptive than a marching band at 10 am on SUNDAY morning. If you ask me, that's what people where I come from call BULLSHIT.

Pat and I have now made it our plight to look into this rediculous by-law and get to the bottom of this prejudice against students and the sacred rite of drinking excessive amounts of beer. We hope to eventually lead a coallition against the by-law, or at least get the same exemption for keggers (at least until 11 is reasonable) that the annoying-as-hell marching band got.

Sometimes...

2006-05-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

...looking for a job means being an absolute bum

...reading Vogue or a good book is more rewarding than a job

...taking care of someone else makes you feel taken care of

...you push the outside things so deep inside, you forget what's hurting you

...resolving things makes you feel unresolved

...eating half a cheesecake by yourself makes it all ok.

2006-04-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

After a farily shitty few days of feeling like crap, spending way more time at the hospital than I would like, and clinging desperately to my organs (kidding), I'm starting to feel a lot better.

This is in part due to medicine, but mostly to the fact that Pat finished his coop term in Toronto and finally came back to me last night. I congratulated him for doing so well, not just in work but with me. He called and emailed every single day and drove up here just to see me on many weekends. His dedication to me is mind-boggling. I feel like I've held my breath all this time and now I can just let it go. My best friend is back.

Emily moved in this weekend, which is awesome because she's awesome and being alone here sucks ass. My parents came to visit today and I was actually really happy to see them. My mom brought Sally and left her with me, so now I've got my little (nine year-old) puppy here too.

And the weather is fabulous.

About this soldier thing...

2006-04-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

This is the other side of the argument that nobody wants to hear. So I'm gonna say it.

Upon the death of four Canadian soldiers in Afghanistan, our government decided it was a good time to announce they would not be lowering flags to honour them, reverting to the older tradition of honouring soldiers collectively on rememberance day. This is actually the preference of many veterans, but the timing was so inapproriate. They should have just lowered them for these soldiers and announced that in the future they wouldn't be doing it any more.

If that didn't give the media a reason to lose their shit, the government then decided to ban the press from showing the caskets return. Everyone is going ape shit because, as one man who lost a son in war said, "they're taking away our ability to grieve." I feel for those families, deeply. I can't imagine what a slap in the face this must be.

But as for the rest of us, are we grieving when we see these images? No. The real issue is that we're terrified of opacity because we don't trust our government. Most Canadians aren't experts on politics, foreign affairs, the military, etc. But when a soldier dies, all of us just "know" that it was in vain.

Canadians forget that these soldiers volunteered to go, knew that there was a risk, and believed in what they were doing. Let's be honest, we don't want to greive the soldiers. We want to say that they died in vain, that the mission should be aborted and that the soldiers were duped. But that's not true. They knew what they were doing. The families are always devastated but often proud, because they believe in what their loved one stood for, and died for. If we can't do the same, then we have no business at their funeral.

Having said that, if I lost a loved one, I would find comfort in knowing the entire nation was honouring him and his sacrifice. I would want the press there if it was to celebrate my loved one. But if it was to question his sacrifice and to trivialize his death, I'd say fuck off.

As for losing transparancy, it doesn't really bother me. I may be naiive but I trust the government, and I'm glad Canada is participating in important foreign affairs. I'm not an expert on the military, and neither are you. That's why we elect people to make these decisions, and we shouldn't criticize them and flip out every step of the way.

It's a bold move from the Conservatives. I completely understand why a lot of people find this scary, even fascist. I was shocked at first, but then I realized it's not information being blocked, just the imagery. As a very wise person pointed out to me, this is simply the media exploiting the deaths of people who truly believed in their mission. As long as true, accurate information is still getting through to us, we should relax. When Harper starts actually hiding things from us, then we can freak out.

Bitches

2006-04-25T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night after Krista finished her last exam, we drank Russian beer and watched Dave Chappelle, which is funny no matter how many times you've seen it. I love Chappelle because he makes the word 'bitches' so damn funny.

Speaking of bitches, Kris and I both decided that bitches make great friends. The type of person whose bad side you do not want to be on, bitches can be cold, rude or downright bitchy until you've earned their trust and respect. But once you're friends with a bitch, she got your back.

The bitch has a lot of acquaintances but doesn't consider a lot of people "friends." However the ones she does are like family, and she'll die or go to jail defending them.

I may be a bit of a bitch. But I'm your bitch.

Peace, bitches.

More stuff from the Freakonomics guys...

2006-04-22T18:50:00.000-07:00

For someone who hasn't actually read the book yet, I'm becoming a big Stephen J. Dubner fan (he's the writer guy, not the economist guy). This book is next on my reading list after the transvestite book Lianne raves about.

I found this article from his pre-Freakonomics days about Stephen King on his very cool website.

By STEPHEN J. DUBNER August 13, 2000

Stephen King is addicted to writing. It isn't a matter of liking to write or even loving it. He needs it, chemically, the way years ago he needed his cocaine and his beer, sometimes a case a day. "Writing is just this great big conduit, this outflow pipe that keeps the pressure nice and even," he says. "It just pours all this [expletive] out. All the insecurities come out, all the fears -- and also, it's a great way to pass the time."

And if he hadn't been able to make a career of it?

"Oh, I'd be dead. I would have drunk myself to death or drugged myself to death or committed suicide or some goddamn thing."

A little extreme, but I get what he's saying. Like Stephen King, I too am a writing addict, I'm just not as good at it. Or as morbid.

Today is brought to you by the letter "F"

2006-04-21T06:32:00.000-07:00

1. Freakonomics
Something cool from the Freakonomics blog: the city of Fresno is helping drug dealers find jobs. It's a pretty interesting approach, maybe something that Toronto could do to call gang-bangers off the streets?
Here's the article.

2. Falling asleep
So rediculously tired for no apparent reason. I fell asleep in the shower this morning! Who does that? (I think I don't really sleep at night unless you're next to me.)

3. Fridays
I love Fridays because it usually means I get to see my boy and today is no exception. Giddy-up!

Happy 420!

2006-04-20T07:32:00.000-07:00

"This weed was the shiz-nittlebam snip-snap-sack."
-Dave Chappelle in "Half-Baked"

Shock.

2006-04-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

I got a B- in stats.
I thought...no I was sure I failed.
This changes everything. I'm so happy.

2006-04-18T09:57:00.000-07:00

Jesus is still my homeboy (happy "eastover")

2006-04-17T21:45:00.000-07:00

Even though the internet is officially cancelled and everything is unhooked, I'm getting internet, intermittently. I'll take it as a sign from above that Jesus wants me to blog. Or that I'm picking up a neighbour's signal. Whatevs.

As per usual, the long weekend was too short. There was cottaging and loving and chinese food. Being with my boyfriend and doing very little else is still my most treasured past-time. I finished my own bottle of shiraz, got quite drunk and the rest is not blog-appropriate. I went to Thornhill to see my mom for her birthday, along with my sister and my bro-in-law-to-be.

On the way back to Waterloo my sister and I talked about our parents and how miserable (maybe that's harsh, but for lack of better words) they are and how there wasn't anything we could do about it.

It's hard to celebrate with my mom. She's never very happy. I left Waterloo last Thursday so confused about the direction of my life, and seeing my family was a reminder of the things that propelled me here. I could never help her. I thought maybe if I could become some kind of doctor or psychologist, I could make up for it one day by helping everyone else.

I haven't seen my dad in a while, since before he went to Tokyo. He's on my case about health lately, trying to get me to eat mushy brown rice and omega and flax seeds and fish. I'm sure Pat wouldn't mind either. I can't go into the extent to which I don't care about my health, but it's pretty extreme. I know I'd pay for every last bit of it too. I'm going to change that (I've done it before). Well, I'm going to try.

It's strange being back here without my girls. I miss them. I'm looking for a job and doing some left-over work from the term that I really don't feel motivated to do at all. I don't feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. I'm sort of enjoying being alone in the empty house, even though it's creepy.

I feel completely tired and cloudy lately. I think I'm getting sick again or on the verge of some catastrophe. There are two things that come to mind...one thing within me, invisible to the naked eye, and another thing outside of me that I never see coming. I've been sandwiched between these things for so long I just want one of them to go away.

Live and let live...

2006-04-13T11:41:00.000-07:00

You are a
Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...
Economic Moderate
(56% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Centrist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Pick Me a Future!

2006-04-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

I may have failed (or almost failed) statistics. A life of research in psychology has never seemed more dismal. Everyone knows how much I love psych, and on "paper" that should be enough. But I'm coming to realize that the things I've learned can be used in an infinite number of ways and going to grad school just might not be right for me.
I've never been so confused. Help a girl out!

, said the shotgun to the head

2006-04-10T12:50:00.000-07:00

(An excerpt from...)

i cannot make
your past disappear
only rabbits, my love,
only rabbits

One of the best parts of the weekend was when Julia introduced me to this amazing book by poet Saul Williams.

"You have to read it outloud," she told me, when I was clearly confused by his wordplay. So I read aloud.

All the poems string together a cryptic story that, to be honest, I think I will have to read the book a few more times to understand. First Irina had it, then Jewles had to buy one, and I'm getting it next. This thing will spread like wild fire.

I surrendered

my beliefs

and found myself

at the tree of life

injecting my story

into the veins

of leaves

only to find that stories

like forests

are subject to seasons

~by Saul Williams

For anyone who needs a good laugh...

2006-04-09T22:10:00.000-07:00

More of these stylish (and disturbing) accessories here.

Also check out: "Fruity Man Bag with Leafy Back"

Today is a sad day...Julia is leaving for Greece on Wednesday, and it's just kicking in that she'll be gone, and that I've taken her being so close for granted. After all, Toronto is much closer than Greece.

Also, one of the cutest little creatures I've ever seen, Carly's dog Oliver, died this weekend. I've never known anyone to take care of anything the way she cared for that dog. I'm so sorry this happened.

The past couple weeks have been absolutely horrible days, sandwiched between weekends that have been incredibly awesome... with all the Cord stuff last weekend, and then going to the Westin Harbour Castle in Toronto with Pat and going to Republik with the girsls last night...the theme has been "goodbye."
I didn't say goodbye enough. Goodbye Jewles.

I was surprised when Pat asked me how I felt about it being April. It was like he read my mind. 9 months. A lifetime. I can't imagine what things would be like right now. As long as it happens one day...that's all that matters.

Karebear, thank you for everything this weekend. For picking me up from downtown and driving me to the subway this morning (even though your driving scares me sometimes). And though we only talked for a little bit this morning, there were some things you said that were really reassuring (I think you know what I'm referring to) and it meant a lot.

More than anything, I'm so glad for the talk I had tonight with Pat. I'm sorry for holding back so much and you have every reason to have been frustrated lately. My silence has always been a problem, and not just for us. It's easier not to deal with things in the short run, but it always feels better once you talk.

It's nice, though, just to idle on the surface of things. Sometimes when I go too deep, I can't breathe.

Anyway, these crazy man-purses made me laugh. In times like these, you have to laugh.

2006-04-06T16:11:00.000-07:00

Poems! (?)

2006-04-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

One more month...I miss you
The cure to insomnia

Be my nighttime spoon and write messages on my skin
Use kisses for punctuation
Trace along my sleepy grin

This is like a "haiku" but not...I think it's called a "tan renga"
Life’s lessons

I’m no masochist.
I should have seen it coming
I’m just near-sighted.

Truth is a dry martini
And this is the hang-over.

Terrorist Attack in Toronto?

2006-04-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

From the Globeandmail:
Toronto police, dismissing fears that it was a terrorist's attack, said the man brought a can of gasoline into the washroom at the Tim Hortons on Yonge Street just north of Bloor Street, around 1 p.m. Another man went into the men's room, smelled the fumes and ran out. Seconds later, customers heard a loud bang. The ceiling collapsed, leaving wiring visible, and a 10-litre container remained in the washroom.
***
Apologies to anyone I told there was a terrorist attack in TO. I should stop getting my news from Pat (just kidding baby, love you).
Seriously though, it's funny to think that what the trade centre is for New York and what double-decker buses are for London, Timmy's is for Southern Ontario. What else can you expect from a place that most definitely puts crack in their coffee?

P.S. For any pseudo-patriot who doesn't already know, Tim's is NOT Canadian. Hasn't been for about a decade.

P.P.S. Thanks Karebear for posting India Arie on your blog!!! You made my day...I hope you girls loved Block Party as much as I did. Takes me back... xoxoxo

"One thing 'bout music, when it hits you feel no pain..."

Transformers movie....

2006-04-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXOymInsHPY&eurl=

Optimus Prime! hahaha that's fucking awesome.

You don't know me.

2006-03-31T16:40:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a weird conversation that sort of got under my skin.

I hate when people talk to you as if you have no idea where they're coming from. I knew exactly where this person was coming from. I've been there.

Just because I don't wear a giant sash that has all my problems displayed across my chest for all to see doesn't mean they aren't there.

She said something about feeling connected to humanity, and that's what motivates her "cause" and drives her. Then she pretty much said that I was not connected to humanity if I didn't feel the same drive.

But it's a good point.
Why don't I feel motivated to change things?
Is it because I don't care, or is it because I care too much? Maybe I'm just a coward, who tries to undermine the efforts of brave girls like this one.

No. I just think she wastes her time. And I don't want that kind of attention, personally. If anyone's gonna pay any attention to me, it better be for something positive.

Things to look forward to

2006-03-29T22:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you for this, Bob Saget.
I heart penguins!
(AND Dane Cook is in this!)

Other things to look forward to...
*Jeru the damaja (a proper send-off for Julia)
*Guv on the 13th w/my roomies
*Carly's ok party this weekend (getting not ok!)
*Skye Edwards is working on a solo album!

The Spotlight Effect

2006-03-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

spotlight effect n. The tendency to believe that other people are paying closer attention to one's appearance and behavior than they really are.

In Social Cognitive Psychology we learned about an experiment done to test different aspects of this phenomenon: participants wore a t-shirt depicting either a flattering or embarassing image and then had to estimate how many people noticed them and could remember what they were wearing. The results? People always overestimated.

Here's the truly interesting part. They did tests in advance to determine whose picture qualified as embarassing and whose picture would be flattering.

Flattering t-shirts depicted portraits of: Bob Marley, Jerry Seinfeld or Martin Luther King Jr.
Embarassing shirts depicted pictures of: Barry Manilow

Now he may not be the coolest guy, but you can wear all the Barry Manilow t-shirts you want and fewer people than you think will notice. Cool!

2006-03-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

From http://www.fondationbrigittebardot.fr

"Blinded by their trust in the human being, the 15 day old baby seals are easily approached by hunters. They are then savagely beaten out of their senses with enormous clubs and cut up directly, despite the fact that some are still alive, in front of the very eyes of other small ones that are to be massacred only moments later. The tragedy is witnessed by powerless mothers that often stay for days next to the small one weltering in its blood, deprived of its fur and abandoned on the ice by its murderers; they try to warm up the naked corpse and feed it…"

This is a tough one. They're so cute! But as always, politics is not two-dimensional.

And then she goes a little too far...

This is why I hate radicals and no one listens to them. Because they're crazy.

Do you know Jesus?

2006-03-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

A woman asked me this at the bus terminal last Friday (a wild/incredible but physically costly St. Patty's day) while I was waiting to go to Toronto. I said what I could to get rid of her, but in fact, I don't know Jesus, God or anything that isn't based on truth.

There are an estimated 10 million species on the Earth today. I think it's a little speciescentric that "God" is most typically represented by a human form in religions. Furthermore, it's conveniently ethnocentric that in most major religions this God reflects their own ethnicity (Buddha, Mohammed, Jesus). Maybe God is a praying mantis, or a shih-tzu.

I think I'll be able to instill a sense of morality in my children without an arbitrary set of rules. And I won't have to resort to using fear and guilt or the threat of Hell.
When they ask me where people go when they die I will simply tell them the truth: When we die, we go into the hearts and minds of people we loved.
And being remembered well should be motivation enough to do some good.

2006-03-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

You Were a Coyote

Brutally honest, you encourage people to show their true selves.

You laugh at life - none of it can be taken too seriously.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Transparency

2006-03-22T09:28:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid I kept a journal and wrote religiously. As I got older I started ripping pages out, afraid that someone would find it. After a while, every time I finished an entry I tore it up and threw it away.

I have a tendency to get rid of things.

A couple nights ago, with one impulsive click, I deleted my blog because I didn't want Pat to read it. He and I were talking about transparency...something that I wanted from him but couldn't give of myself.

Let's start again.